Hey bookish boozers!
Even though #coronavirus cancelled the NCAA Tourneys… we’re still doing our own bracket. The competition? Character Bar Fights. Check here for the announcement and the rules.
Giveaway rules: Enter for a chance to win a copy of any of the books listed in the bracket. Follow the blog and comment on 2 of the 4 weeks of Bar Fight posts. Winner announced on April 6th. International OK if BD or Wordery ships to you.
Alright – now the admin is out of the way… let’s go.
Bar Fights 2020 – Elite Eight
The Smart Ones – Battles by Drunk Ginny
Hermione (1) vs Mark Watney (2): I’ve gotta say. I didn’t really expect Mark Watney to make it to this round, but I love him so I’m glad he won the previous fight. So here’s the problem, is how do these two people start fighting in the first place. Hermione is really smart and Mark has been to goddamn space. I feel like they would probably geek out over each other for a little bit until one of them said something slightly controversial and suddenly they’d be drunkenly fighting, first with logic and slurred explanations, before turning to a brawl. I could see Hermione briefly forgetting she had magic (the entire conversation would be about science and it’s been known to happen, please reference Hermione punching the shit out of Draco Malfoy in the third book instead of casting a well placed curse). And Mark is shifty. He might not have been able to dodge a communications satellite but that’s because he couldn’t see it. There would be a dodge, but Mark doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who would really want to punch anyone, so I’m pretty sure at some point there would be a sleeping spell and Hermione would yell into his dumb sleeping face.
Proposed Winner: Hermione
The Dumb Ones – Battles by Drunk Sam
Rand al’Thor (1) vs Chen Kitay (2): Boy, poor Kitay, he almost didn’t make it through but I made a final judgement call and here he is. That’s the good thing. The bad thing about my son making it to the elite eight is his damn opponent. The Dragon Reborn himself, Rand al’Rhir. Even with Kitay’s genius I don’t think prepare himself enough to go up against The Source. In a bar fright, Kitay was there probably mind his own business and Rand, drunk as usual, bears Lews Therin in his head. Lews is all… “he is a darkling” and so Rand does what he does and irrationally starts the fight. Kitay tries to reason with him but it’s too late. Kitay doesn’t stand a chance, Rand is partially mad at this point. I’m not saying he’d use balefire, but he probably uses balefire.
Proposed Winner: Rand al’Thor
The Jocks – Battles by Drunk Minda
Murderbot (1) vs Katniss Everdeen (3): After Murderbot wiped the floor with Wade because um Muderbot and Katniss was able to eke by against ever-healing Wayne, they were both recovering. One more than the other, obvi. But they are in a mood. When Murderbot takes a little too much of the bartender’s attention, Katniss lets it have it which escalated into a Full. On. Brawl. Katniss, learning her lesson from the last bar fight, quickly moves the fight outside to try and get some distance between her and Murderbot. Murderbot quickly calculates K’s strategy and makes the accurate adjustments. All is looking dim for Katniss as she launches arrow after arrow to no avail. All over a lag in getting another whisky on the rock, geez calm it down Katniss. But, little did we know, Muderbot has really been contemplating that last scrape with Wade and is feeling guilty because, as a SecUnit, its job is to protect humans. So while Murderbot is all in its head, it makes a mistake which Katniss takes full advantage of. With a little luck, she locates Murderbot’s off switch and aims right for it with her final arrow. And with that, oh-so-scrappy Katniss pulls out the upset.
Proposed Winner: Katniss Everdeen
The Goths – Battles by Drunk Parker
Sevro au Barca (1) vs Mia Corvere (3): So. Mia and her gods overcame the sadistic Vord Queen, and sevro’s wolves are taking a post-gorge nap down among the bones of poor Jack. A gloating sevro says something sexist or just bizarre to Mia, as he’s wont to do, and she closes her fist so hard the knuckles crack. Sevro is ready with some kind of booby trap for the bumrush he expects, but then Mia steps into a shadow and
s l i p s
into the dimness behind the warrior, whereupon she slips her grave one dagger into his throat, whispering, “PLEASE shut the fuck up.” She disappears again into the darkness, leaving a girl-shaped gap in the spraying gore, gonebefore sevro’s dogs know what’s what and before the bomb wired to sevro’s heart detonates at his death.
Proposed Winner: Mia Corvere
And there you have it! Those are our predictions. What do you think? Do you disagree with any of us? Comment down below with who YOU think would win in a bar fight (and to enter in the giveaway).
Sam, Minda, Ginny, and Parker