March Madness: Bar Fights 2020 – Week 3 – Final Four

Hey bookish boozers!

Even though #coronavirus cancelled the NCAA Tourneys and we’re all at home… we’re still doing our own bracket. The competition? Character Bar Fights. Check here for the announcement and the rules.

Giveaway rules: Enter for a chance to win a copy of any of the books listed in the bracket. Follow the blog and comment on 2 of the 4 weeks of Bar Fight posts. Winner announced on April 6th. International OK if BD or Wordery ships to you.

Alright – now the admin is out of the way… let’s go.

Bar Fights 2020 – Final Four

Final 4 Bar Fight Bracket 2020

The Smart One vs The Dumb One

Smart_Dumb - Final 4 Graphic

Rand al’Thor (1) v Hermione (1)

The Hermione Argument by Ginny

Here’s the honest point. I’ve never read Wheel of Time. I don’t know who Rand is and frankly every time I hear his name I assume we’re talking about Rand Paul (the only other Rand I know) who’s a great big bag of hot air, but less useful. Therefore, that’s the Rand that Hermione is fighting in my mind and it’s pretty clear he’s gonna go down. Hermione is not only ridiculous intelligent, but has the cold-heartedness to wreak some shit. She lit a teacher on fire when she was 11 years old. She obliviated her parents to help her win a war. And best of all, she will not let petty shit drop (does anyone remember the permanent boils she gave that one girl for giving up Dumbledore’s Army?). I could imagine that this would all start because Rand spilled a beer on her and was a dick about it. For fucks sake, a single Jelly Legs Jinx could take this motherfucker down. What’s he gonna do? He manages to walk it off? Hermione can magically chain him or some shit. He’s getting too rowdy? I’m sure there’s a spell for a cone of silence. He has a sword? Oh NO! Hermione can make fire and/or summon some wild shit. Come on, no contest.

The Rand Argument by Sam

So I have the benefit of seeing what Ginny wrote before I wrote this. Fortunately, EYE know both characters. Rand will clearly kick Hermione’s ass. If Hermione were in the Wheel of Time series, she’s be an Aes Sedai for sure, and we all know how Rand handled them. Rand is the MFing Dragon Reborn. He’d have her destroyed before she could even take her wand out, much less say the words to cast a spell. He’s got fuckin’ balefire. Balefire literally reverses time, removes them from the wheel. Hermione probs can’t hold her liquor, so she definitely mistook him for a death eater (let’s face it, he probably looks like one without the KKK-like hood) and started drunkenly plan to take him down. Unfortunately, because she’s hammered, she says it all out loud and he hears it. ON TOP OF THAT, he’s having a ta’veren moment, so the wheel is making sure everything goes his way. Remember that scene with the leaders of the not-Aes Sedai women and they literally couldn’t say no to him? That’s what’s about to happen. PLUS he also has that god-awful leash. He don’t need no sword, even though he has a fucking bad ass one. Fire summoning? Psh, he has balefire. Cone of silence? Psh, he has Tel’aran’rhiod, the MFing dream world. Jelly legs jinx? Psh, please. Sorry, I’m all #girlpower, but Hermione has no chance against Rand. Not a single one.

The Jocks vs. The Goth

Goths_Jocks - Final 4 Graphic

Murderbot (1) vs Mia Corvere (3)

The Murderbot Argument by Minda

Obviously Murderbot is going to win, right? Even if Mia is the greatest assassin and she’s beaten her opponents to date, “murder” is in its name. As I see it, Mia would try to start shit with Murderbot’s humans and it would not be having that. And once Murderbot engages, it’s on. As Mia is slipping in and out of shadows like she does, Murderbot is tracking her movements. Once it figures out the pattern, it is about to stop Mia in her tracks and gets hit after hit in. With that and a few other well-planned maneuvers, the SecUnit takes down the shadow assassin.

The Mia Corvere Argument by Parker

Ok so boom, we know Murderbot has machine guns and missiles and is effectively a walking talking genocide machine, pero like this is Mia fucking Corvere we’re talking about here folks. Red Church’s deadliest assassin. The winner of the Godsgrave Games, CHOSEN BY THE SUN and SAVIOR OF THE FUCKING MOON. She’s deadly enough as is, but with an opponent as deadly as murderbot, she’s inevitably gonna have to pull some new tricks out of her cute ass. Sure Murderbot is probably gonna beat the brakes off Mia. There’s a 99.999% chance that toward the end of this fight, murderbot stands over Mia’s broken, bloodied form. But the final 4 is all about Cinderella finding a way to beat the odds. This time, when the clock strikes, it’s the sun’s corona, millions of degrees Kelvin, that comes pouring from Mia’s burning eye sockets. It sweeps across murderbot, incinerating flesh, melting metal to slag, punching a hole through the ceiling above, the ceiling above that, and the roof. And that is how Murderbot died from what Mia would DEFINITELY call, in 2020, the Coronavirus.

No predictions this week, only some solid arguments. What do you think? Do you disagree with any of us? Comment down below with who YOU think would win in a bar fight (and to enter in the giveaway).


Sam, Minda, Ginny, and Parker

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