Warrior of the Altaii by Robert Jordan
Reviewed by Sam!
Sober Trigger Warnings: Rape, Violence, Slavery
What I drank prior: 5 vodka sodas and some questionable choices.
Epic fantasy legend, and author of #1 New York Times bestselling series The Wheel of Time®, Robert Jordan’s never-before published novel, Warrior of the Altaii:
Draw near and listen, or else time is at an end.
The watering holes of the Plain are drying up, the fearsome fanghorn grow more numerous, and bad omens abound. Wulfgar, a leader of the Altaii people, must contend with twin queens, warlords, prophets and magic in hopes of protecting his people and securing their future. Elspeth, a visitor from another world, holds the answers, but first Wulfgar must learn to ask the right questions.
But what if the knowledge that saves the Altaii will also destroy them?
Drunk Overview: this is the first book Robert Jordan wrote. It wasn’t published until now. Anywho. My man Wolfgar is prophesied to end the world. He is a nomad, trading as he will with the non-nomads and the non-nomads take him hostage. Basically he has to figure out how to win.
Spoiler-free Thoughts: Robert Jordan… the one who brought us my Two Rivers children in Wheel of Time. I was so disappointed in this book. So damn disappointed in this book.
Characters: They all sounded the same. The women were treated exceptionally poorly, which shocked me. Jordan’s WoT does an amazing job with women and their place in the world (in power in all cultures basically). THIS was literal slavery. Only women. At one point one of the women who has magic literally punishes a traitor woman by magically make her love him forever. She hates him in her brain, but will die to please him. SERIOUSLY?! There are twin queens in the city, but they absolutely suck. 110% god awful. There is ONE woman who doesn’t suck. And Wolfgar screws her over, because he’s a terrible person and shouldn’t be glorified as a hero in this goddamn story.
Plot/Worldbuilding gotta do both at the same time: I literally don’t know how this book was as long as it was. It was predictable, and the last 2/3 was battle tactics. Just a whole bunch of battle tactics on a david and goliath scale. This story also has women raping men. I know it’s a thing that happens irl. I know that. However, this made it seem like if he was touched at all he would get it up. There’s also this drug that’s like a lotion that basically makes you hornier and hornier until you have an orgasm, but it’s used as a form of torture. Never as a fun thing in this story, always torture. Fuck i’m still seething about this. steam is literally coming out of my ears.
What to pair it with: I feel like a jack and coke is the only choice. No one actually likes it, it burns going down, but since it’s “cool” folks drink it.
Rating: 0/5 shots
COMMENT DOWN BELOW: Tell me things! What was the last book that disappointed you terribly?
Until next time, we remain forever drunkenly yours,