Hey bookish boozers!

In case you haven’t heard… we’ve decided to do our own bracket. The competition? Character Bar Fights. Check here for the announcement and the rules.

Giveaway rules: Enter for a chance to win a copy of any of the books listed in the bracket. Follow the blog and comment on 2 of the 4 weeks of Bar Fight posts. Winner announced on April 6th. International OK if BD or Wordery ships to you.

Alright – now the admin is out of the way… let’s go.

Bar Fights 2020 – Sweet Sixteen

The Smart Ones – Battles by Drunk Ginny

Hermione (1) vs Scarlett (4): Look, there’s no real competition here. Scarlet may have some pretty impressive skills but it doesn’t change the fact that Hermione is a witch. And also Scarlet has shown a weakness in attacking people who haven’t attacked her first. Hermione would be on that (like settting Snape on fire at a Quidditch match or imprisoning Rita Skeeter for literal months) before Scarlet would take an action. Hermione does her research and doesn’t hold back and Scarlet just wouldn’t be able to compete. End of story.

Proposed Winner: Hermione Granger

Mark Watney (2) vs. Kelsea (3): Okay this one is a little bit hard. Both of these people are nerd. Mark Watney is a botanist, and Kelsea was raised in the middle of nowhere with people who loved books but also made sure she could fight. Mark Watney doesn’t exactly have any experience fighting though he did have to go through astronaut training which means you have to be some level of physically fit. But Kelsea did have a series of knights to act as her bodyguards to make sure she was okay when things were dicey in the world. Honestly, I get the feeling that if these two actually fought it would be over making sure that a friend was being taken care of. Mark would try to talk the situation down (his sense of humor is definitely used to de-escalate situations) and Kelsea would go for a physical attack. Yeah, Kelsea wins.

Proposed Winner: Kelsea Raleigh Glynn

The Dumb Ones – Battles by Drunk Sam

Rand al’Thor (1) vs Jude Duarte (4): What can I say about this battle. Rand will be at the bar all broody and shit and the Jude will come in lookin for a fight that ain’t there. Honestly, I feel like she’d be a lot like Drunk Me. Sit next to the hot red head and be like… “hi. Hi hi hi. Why aren’t you noticing me? It’s because you want me dead, isn’t it?” and then proceed to coax Rand into a fight. The thing is, she doesn’t know that all she has to say is that she’s Black Ajah and then Rand would be all in the fight. See… here’s the thing though. There’s a reason Jude was the 4 seed. SHE FUCKING SUCKS. She only won based on luck and her friends. Not anything else. She can’t do anything except scrape her dad on the arm. RAND however, can cleanse the source (with his fab friend Nyneave), defeat the dark one, and keep three women happy all at the same time. Jude stands NO CHANCE. 

Proposed Winner: Rand al’Thor

Chen Kitay (2) v Mare Barrow (3): Hahahahaha. This is the best. Both of them are soft. Mare… Mare has no idea what she’s doing. She keeps getting fucked. I haven’t even finished this series (I can’t, for… sanity’s reasons) but she keeps getting shafted by her “allies.” but lol what allies? Kitay has literally zero magical powers. So while I think that Kitay is smart enough to counter Mare, I think he’d have to lose to her once before he came up with the smartest invention to counteract her powers. Mare would just…. Zap him. This is all assuming however, that Kitay hasn’t done his research. Drunk Sam is now realizing that Kitay has TOTALLY done opposition research. That COMPLETELY changes the story. You remember how, in The Dragon Republic how Kitay knew what he was up against so he creating this mother fucking AMAZING invention to incorporate the oppositition’s issues? Rin was fucking FLYING, literally flying, after Kitay had done his research. So his ass probably had rubber everything to counteract the literal lightning Mare had. Mare also wasn’t the smartest. She was bested mentally not once, but twice. I dont know man, this is a close fight, but if it were up to me, Kitay would take the day… assuming he had time to research his opponent. I am definitely making that assumption… because this is my game and I can.

Proposed Winner: Kitay

The Jocks – Battles by Drunk Minda

Murderbot (1)  vs Wade Watts (4): There’s a reason Murderbot is at the number one slot, right? I mean, Murder. Bot. The name speaks for itself. Even with Wade’s admittedly great skills, he’s not competition for this sentient cyborg. So for Wade’s sake, let’s say it’s a close game. Wade had thought this through—giving him credit—and he put on the best 80s soap opera to make sure the atmosphere was in his favor. And Murderbot is so hooked because it lovessss soaps. So that’s when he goes in for the sucker punch and gets a few good swings in. But then it gets it together and fucking attacks bc duh. Anyways, we all know the outcome.

Proposed Winner: Murderbot

Wayne (2) v Katniss Everdeen (3): All ducking right. Here’s the big Jock match of the bar. It’s actually pretty even. Wayne is sitting there having a great time at the bar, and Katniss walks in minding her owning business. Unfortunately, Wayne is there, too, not willing to let anything or anyone go. Of course he starts bugging her because Wayne. And unsurprisingly she is NOT having it. And still because klepto, he swipes her Mockingjay pin and dangles it in front of her face, which is her last straw. Katniss has had enough and the real fight begins. She whips out her bow and arrow because, duh, and Wayne gets his dueling cane. I really want Katniss to win this, but let’s be honest, bow and arrow just isn’t your best bet at close range. So while she gets some hits in and Wayne started it, she ultimately just storms out of the bar and Wayne sits down for more as he heals.

Proposed Winner: Wayne

The Goths – Battles by Drunk Parker

Sevro au Barca (1) vs Jack Walcott (4): This is one of the more lopsided battles in the bracket, as woebeogtten murderer of other little kids Jack Walcott faces off with Sevro. Sevro au Barca had a pack of wolves following him because he killed thier alpha. Sevro the Reaper has probably killed thousands of people, all across the solar system. Jack’s just kinda creepy. Sevro kills her in his sleep and mails her head back to the family he ran away from the night before the battle is supposed to start.

Proposed Winner: Sevro au Barca

The Vord Queen (2) v Mia Corvere (3): Mia Corvere is the sexiest assasin I’ve ever read. She’s skilled with every weapon, a cold-hearted cunt (her words, srsly, look it up), and consistenly blows Ashlyinn’s back out, which, for no particular reason, I also really appreciate. The sun and moon themselves owe her and are invested in her success. But she’s head to head with the eater of worlds. Mia’s opponent is brilliant and cunning, a vicious  a viscious wasp-thing with mommy issues who fights for the survival of her species. The Vord Queen decimated Alera and raised her dead in the ranks of a bug army so pwoerfulit took the might of the the nation’s most powerful furies and humans (with the help of the canim, who she erased) to defeat her. Kitai and her chala, Tavi, were at the height of their powers and almost lost. The battle between Mia and the Vord Queen will flatten cities and rend the earth itself. But Mia is but one super warrior. I’m heartbroken to see her fall, and at the cold talons of such evil.

Proposed Winner: The Mofherfucking Vord Queen

And there you have it! Those are our predictions. What do you think? Do you disagree with any of us? Comment down below with who YOU think would win in a bar fight (and to enter in the giveaway).

Cheers,

Sam, Minda, Ginny, and Parker