DRUNK REVIEW: The Mister by E.L. James

the mister

The Mister by E.L. James

Hey all, it’s Linz, and I read too many good books lately, so it was time for a hate read. From the author of 50 Shades of Grey, it’s sort of 50 Shades of Grey without the poorly portrayed BDSM, but somehow way more questionable.

Summary: It’s 2019, and really rich dude Maxim Trevelyan is a British lord who just CAN’T. STOP. BONING. LADIES. And it is taking ALL of his willpower to not bone his innocent, mysterious, alluring cleaning lady Alessia Demachi, whose first language is definitely not English. Spoiler – they bone. (Sam’s Editor’s Note: this is the best summary by far, but you can check out Goodreads if you have to)

What I drank: Went to a fab wine pairing dinner, and one of my friends gave us most of her wine, on top of the 5 glasses we got with the meal.

My thoughts:

What the actula fuck you guys

Pros

  • Better wrtien than 50 shades maybe?

Cons

I literally wrote about all major plot points of the book, so it’s all spoilers
  • We havr to have a real talk about consent. maxim is wealtrht, connected– a literal white savior to alessia (who is alsowhite but youll see, my point stands). alessia is an illegal imigrannt from albania w/ LITERALY nothing, incluing her passport because…the ppl who smggled her into the country were SEX TRAFFICKERS and took hershit but she scaped. AND maxim knows all this while he’s protecting ehr from being taken by the sex traffickrs but still has sex w herbc she says she wants thed. Evem if she says she consetns, she CANT ACTUALLY GIVR REAL CONSENT bc circumstances. practive self control, MAXIM. dont eff soneone who relies soley on you, or as someppl might say it, dont rape
  • guys did you see the plot i just described abve what even is this
  • Macxim is alsoa pretty gross dude for 2019. he popps a boner when alessia BREATHES. Hes obsessed w how beautifully naive abd PURE she is. the only women he treats w respect are emplyoed by him. and were supposed to find its charming how much he mansplaind to her in the guise of “educating” her? And not just aobut sex (although that scnee where he teachers her how to give a handjob may as well have been written by a man whos into barely 18 porn.) when he corrects her englsih hes so condesending. OH and hes totally been banging his dead borther’s wife/
  • Also literally maxims voice goes from full posh to low class. Its like an amalgamation of every person from love islans uk. and spekaing of voice, this is so wierd – maxi’s voice is 1st poerson but allessia’s is 3rd. i guess it was supposed to ake maxin look more sympatheic or rleatable? it doesnt work.
  • SO when They finally fuck its like…so much sex, and I’ve never been turned on less. I cant wait to create a list of 10 better erotic scene writers. Do you remember losring you virginity? Because i do. And i was in literally all the love but it stil wasnt great and i did not want a boner near ne for awhile. Banging like 15 times in one wekend? Uti town. Population, allessia.
  • alessia is like way to naive for a real …23yo? adn portrayed as wayyyyyy too much an ultimte vicitm. like after all the abovce happens and the sex traffickers are caught, her arranged amariage fiancee (??) kidnaps her back tpo albania and her fmaily, and macxim coems to save her and propose. just pop ablond wig on her and tie her to thet rian tracks already.
  • THere’s a whole stroylline about maxin’s brother dying in an accident bc he might ahve tried to kill himsself that just flounders off and isnt resolved and ib et you in book 2 or 3 we find outn someone had him killed and alessia finds ount adn then gets kidnapped again this time bc she knew too much

We habe come mere yards, Nay feetx, form the 50bshades trilogy. Woof.

What I gave it: 1/5 stars. (Sam’s Editor’s note: really? a whole damn star?)

What I’d pair it with: Nothing because don’t read it? I dunno, that Natty Light seltzer?

FBGM,

linz

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