After by Anna Todd

Reviewed by Linz!

What it’s about: Dude I’m not even bothering to pull the description from Goodreads. They just released a movie about this book. A college freshman hates-then-loves a guy she meets at school. I saw the trailer once, thought “oh ok younger 50 Shades, it looks awful, I should read it.”

What I drank:

So, instead of reading, then reviewing drunk, I started reading while drinking and stopped to note reactions. Then I read the rest sober on day 2.

BEHOLD, MY REVIEW

Day 1: Sober reading

9%: Tessa is the dirt worst. She slut shames any girl who doesnt dress as prudishly as her, she is super judgey at everyone around who is magically hammered after 2 seconds, and she is dating a boy who reports back everything she tells him, to HER mom, instead of breaking up w him. The background story is hamfistedly worked in. I know nothing about this book but it’s like 50 Shades fanfic. Think on that. Also shes totally going to cheat on her bf and bone this hate-turns-love interest Hardin. Who is British but goes to some bullshit college in Washington State? Jesus, they could have made it a little realistic and picked like Stanford. Also are there colleges without police/student escorts in 2014?

Drink 1: Cocktail

13%: ugh this dialogue, no one talks like this. Where the contractions at? And her dislike of drinkers is explained but like, real people don’t react like this.

HAS THIS AUTHOR BEEN TO A COLLEGE? NO ONE CAN GIVE OUT BACKUP KEYS TO THEIR DORM ROOMS.

“You’re so sexy, Tess” is not dirty talk

18%: sex scene 1. It was kind of better than 50 shades of grey i guess? Although its like the cinemax version of sex – like, barely nudity and you know where he’s putting it is nowhere near anatomically correct.

This is suuuuuuch an unhealthy relationship

Drink 2: pint of craft beer

25%: GIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRL do NOT be the one whonthinks youll “fix” a damaged man, let that be someone elses provlem

Uuuuuugh theyre botj the wooooorst

26%: “I have never made anyone else come before.” SHES NEVER EVEN GOTTEN HERSELF OFF BEFORE. “My chest heats, filling with a strange new sense that I’m now one step closer to being a woman.” *headdesk headdesk headdesk*

27%: IF YOU CANT SAY VAGINA AND PENIA YOU SHOULDNT BE HAVINS SEX

HOW AM I ONLY AT 27% BUT ON CHAPTER 35

Drink 3: wine glass

31%: jesus christ tessa is a judgemental bitch. No wonder she has no friends, just her hs bf Noah. Her roommate steph is the olny redeeming charactet. We all need a steph.

I have been reading passages oit loud to my hisband. He has asked me to pl stop. I have not.

Drink 4: mucj bigger glass of wine

48%ish on: skim skim skim i LITETALLY watched this book it was callwd 5o shades kf grey

DAY 2
I did some research. This WAS from fanfic, I just got the fanbase wrong. Apparently it was Harry Styles fanfic? How they could put this out and blatantly not acknowledge that it’s college 50 Shades/Twilight is beyond me. The codependent abusive relationship, the bad boy with rich family issues, THEY LIVE RIGHT OUTSIDE OF SEATTLE, THE MORMON GIRL WARDROBE.

55%: I will FINISH this book today because i CANNOT bear to read it a day longer. Also I can’t afford to waste more booze on it. Power skimming it is.

OH MY GOD NO WONDER THIS FEELS ENDLESS IT’S MORE THAN 500 PAGES

69% (giggle): ALL OF YOU GO TO THERAPY RIGHT NOW AND LEARN ABOUT BOUNDARIES AND COMMUNICATION AND SUBSTANCE ABUSE. Except Steph. You’re perfect.

75%: ugh Steph you go to therapy too. Also add cycle breaking to the therapy topic list. Literally every chapter is Hardin having a control or jealousy fit, Hardin and Tessa fight, Tessa placating him, boning, quiet period until Hardin freaks out again.

77%: do college kids play truth or dare, or suck and blow? We played beer pong and Kings, and it seems like my choices led to far better, less dramatic results

80%: ogo erro eldidunfjisjfjjed Hardin YELLS at Tessa for leaving his frat house room to come downstairs to a party bc it might be too dangerous for her. BOYS might be there. Then they bone. Then they decide to move in together. They have been…”dating” for a month? I can’t even tell if they actually labeled their relationship yet. What is this monstrosity.

83%: Tessa you are an INTERN dont you DARE have sex at your job.

86%: MOTHERFUCKING HARDIN YOU GO TO A THERAPIST RIGHT THIS SECOND WTF. You cannot use your trauma to keep a girlfriend ugh jesus

How does anyone have a voice in this book everyone only scream at each other.

Ending: Ok so basically Hardin “Cruel Intentions”-ed Tessa and everyone knew except Tessa. But she’s such a child and a dope and an enabler, I have no sympathy. Did you know there are THREE more of these? AND a prequel? I bet you find out in one book that Hardin lost his vcard to an older woman or some shit.

I regret reading this. I should have just deleted it from my borrowed ebooks and immediatedly started Priory of the Orange Tree.

What I gave it: zero stars

What I would pair it with: alcohol deserves better

FBGM,

linz